INSIDE THE COOL GROUP
We all wanted to be inside the “cool” group. Or at least the second tier “ok” group. Or maybe just NOT in the “fatty”, “nerd/geek”, “goth”, or another undesirable group. In a cosmically awesome way the “nerd/geek” group are now, if not cool, at least accepted and even praised for their abilities. To quote one of my favorite shows, “It’s the age of the Geek, baby!” Even the goths are finding more acceptance-black lipstick isn’t creepy anymore…right? The fatties, however? Nope. Not even close and in some circles its only getting worse.
YOU WANT IN, BUT YOU HATE THEM TOO
I may have desperately wanted into that cool group, but I can tell you that this fatty also hated them with a singular passion. They made my life hell just by existing inside of a seemingly effortless bubble of beauty, poise, confidence and peace with themselves. Of course, I’m sure it wasn’t that simple-those kids still had troubles and problems-it just didn’t seem it from the outside. Added to the envy of how they looked and acted was that they also usually actively made life hard for me. There was always THE LOOK, there were whispers behind my back, bursts of laughter as I walked past them in the hall, dog crap in my locker, pulled hair, etc. So even though I wanted in, I hated them too.
Fast forward 10 or 15 years to after my surgery. I had an experience where the person I was with was trashing her fat sister. I was shocked that she would talk like that about her sister right in front of me until I realized this woman never knew me back then. She had no idea she was talking to a fatty because I wasn’t anymore. I had finally made it into maybe not the “cool” group but at least the “normal person” group. I was elated. It felt unbelievable to be just accepted for the body I presented to the world because it wasn’t noteworthy. It was just there. I could now walk around in that bubble of confidence and poise and be unconcerned with how people looked at me because I now understood that I was just another person. How freeing!
I AM STILL BOTH THE FATTY AND THE NORMAL
Then I started to feel horrible, like I had completely betrayed the fat girl I had been. I had spent so long building myself up to being ok or even proud to not be part of that “cool” crowd that it felt wrong to be happy to finally belong to any kind of even normal group. How messed up is that?! No, don’t answer-especially if you’ve never been fat. If you’ve never been fat, this must sound like the ravings of a seriously disturbed mind. It kinda is, but I’m ok with that.
If you are obese enough to be considering this surgery just be aware you may have one or several of those insane moments and maybe this post can help you to be less freaked than I was. There will be lots of bizarre moments in this journey. I’ve been caught staring at my newfound collar bones in movie theater bathrooms. The first time a guy whistled at me I actually turned around and asked if that was meant for me! Poor guy, he probably never did that again.
Anyway, just know that when you have these random love/hate crazy/sane moments that it’s normal. I’m here, I see you and I know what it’s like!